


he is gone (but he used to be mine)

by aletterinthenameofsanity



Series: almost like praying [1]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Supernatural Elements, Alternative Universe - FBI, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Asexual Character, Asexual Finn, Bisexual Character, Bisexual Poe, Finn Skywalker, Finn-centric, Flashbacks, Genius Finn, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Married Couple, POV Jewish Character, Slurs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-06
Updated: 2017-11-14
Packaged: 2019-01-30 08:49:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 16,955
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12650196
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aletterinthenameofsanity/pseuds/aletterinthenameofsanity
Summary: At first, it doesn't seem real.Special Agent Poe Dameron-Skywalker, demigod, disappears a year and a half after his wedding. All that can be found is blood on the sheets of the bed he and his husband share. For the next four and a half years, Finn searches for answers and only finds dead ends.After five years, he gets a phone call.This is the story of those five years.





	1. i will sing no requiem tonight

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from "She Used To Be Mine" by Sara Bareilles.  
> For once, this story is already finished and will be updated regularly until finished. Hope you all enjoy!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Title is from "Requiem" from Dear Evan Hansen.

At first, it doesn't seem real.

-

It seems like a normal day at first. After one of the Agency's more local cases closes (Fairfax area, serial rapist whose signature was fang marks along the forearm), Agent Poe and Dr. Finn Skywalker-Dameron head home from the office early. After a kiss goodbye at the door, Finn heads to the store for the week's groceries while Poe goes in to read. Next week will be Poe’s turn.

-

Finn returns a couple of hours later, having been held up by traffic. Poe's not home.

(His blood, however, _is_ , with red splattered across their pillows and sheets.)

-

_(There's a bloodstain on the sidewalk outside of the grocery store._

_“Oh by the g-ds,” Finn mutters, something inside his chest seizing up, “That's blood. That's Poe's blood.”_

_“It's like Georgia again,” Leia says in a carefully even voice, and Finn forces himself to look away from the blood and at her. Her face is strained, and despite the urgency of the situation he feels sympathy for her. It can't be easy to be a vampire near so much blood, despite one's self-control. “Poe found your blood in the fields behind the pixie dust barn.”_

_Finn inhales sharply. Please, g-ds, don't let anything like his own kidnapping happen to Poe. “There has to be something we can do.”_

_“Of course,” Leia says, and opens up her lock screen to select Rey's name. "Rey,” she says, “We have an urgent case. Get Jess, Lando, and Obi-Wan to headquarters at once.” A pause, and then: “I already have Finn. Poe's the reason we're coming in this late-”_

_Finn's phone- his personal phone, the number of which he never gives out- rings. He freezes as he registers the UNKNOWN NUMBER, eyes going wide. Leia glances over and reads the identifier. “Answer it,” she orders, “But be careful.” Then she returns to her phone call, explaining to Rey what's going on, while Finn swipes accept and raises the phone to his ear with trembling fingers._

_“Hello, Dr. Skywalker,” an unknown female voice says, and the bottom drops out of Finn's stomach._

_“Yes?” He asks, swallowing._

_“I called to tell you that I'm getting rid of the obstacles so that we can be together. I thought you would appreciate the amount of work I'm doing to help us happen.”_

_He nearly collapses from fear. Getting rid of…? Oh g-ds, what has she done to Poe? He leans back against the car behind him. “And what have you done to those obstacles?” He says carefully, not wanting to spark anger that might be dealt upon Poe._

_"The filthy whore is still alive," she says, and Finn lets out a breath of relief. "But he won't be for long.”_

_Oh fuck._

_“What do you want for me to do?” He’ll do anything to get Poe back. Absolutely_ anything. _)_

-

There are frantic calls to Poe. To 911. To the team.

Nothing ends up answered.

-

It is at this point that panic sets in.

This has happened before-

(And they barely got out alive then.)

-

Finn knows the statistics too intimately- his job allows for nothing else.

_Abductions from the home are sophisticated crimes that require extensive planning and perfect timing._

_Supernatural beings are 65% more likely to be kidnapped than Normies. Reasons include: obsession on the part of the culprit, increased sexual desire due to magykal influences, revenge, and a desire to drain the victim for their magyk._

_90% of all abductions result in deaths within the first 36 hours._

-

There's a manhunt. Well, not really. For a few days, people search. There's a Missing Persons report on the news, and the details of the case- the blood on the sheets, no sign of struggle- make it a newsworthy item for a little while.

But after a few weeks, effort from everyone besides teammates from the Agency and family members tapers off. Instead of wishes for him to find Poe, Finn starts to hear “sympathy” for the husband who ran off on him.

 _He's an adult man_ , they say. _A highly ranked Agent for the Supernatural Crimes Division of the Agency_ and _a demig-d. He could have held his own in a fight. If he's gone, he’s either dead or he_ chose _to leave._

(And the worst of all, the comments that add bigotry to injury: _You've seen ‘im. That brown skin of his. What is he, anyway? Latino? Arab? Who knows? He's bisexual, too, no less. You know those kinds of men- they're more likely to flake off on their families.)_

Finn nearly screams at the injustice. His husband is missing and the world is doing _shit_ to help. Poe, who never did anything except try to save victims and catch criminals is being treated like a negligent husband. People look at Finn like the jilted victim of a playboy, not at Poe like the victim of foul play.

_(Greaser. Cheater. Vagrant. Floozy. Spic. Fag. Slut.)_

Even as despair starts to seep in, sorrow starts to stain Finn's everyday, frustration keeps him going. Just because Poe is Latino and Finn is black, just because Poe had an active sex life before their relationship and Poe was Finn's first kiss, does _not_ mean that Poe's done anything wrong. Poe is one of the most honorable men Finn has ever met.

The media is fucking _wrong_ about Poe, and he will prove them all wrong when he finds his husband.

-

Finn continues to search, investigating fruitless tip after fruitless tip that comes and goes in between cases for the Agency. He is a man obssessed, more driven than Odysseus seeking a way back to Penelope.

_-_

_(“I just want him to see one more thing,” Denise says, and marches over to Finn, gun in hand. He braces himself for whatever the shifter's planning- shooting, torture, beating him up- but what she does is nearly worse._

_She kisses him and it's horrible for any number of reasons (it's a girl, she's a serial killer, it's not Poe, there's a tongue digging through his mouth). And he tries, truly, knowing that this is what could save Poe's life, but he can't summon up any sense of fake passion in response. He can't close his eyes, picture Poe, and pretend it's him- he'd never shove his tongue in Finn's mouth like that. He'd never push into Finn like that, carving his path into Finn's mouth when he's clearly not into it._

_She suddenly leans back, and he sees the betrayed look in her eyes. “Liar,” she accuses. She stands up and points the gun at him. “Liar!” She shouts, and he jumps up to face her._

_They struggle for the gun and it goes off once, firing into the ceiling, and then a second time-this time into Finn's hip. He collapses to the ground, blood and pain bursting from his side, and he tries to clutch onto it and focus on the scene. Denise runs over to Poe, grabbing him, encircling his neck with her arm, and jabbing her gun into his head._

_The rest of their team comes charging in, and Finn can see_

_“Stay back!” He shouts, eyes trained on Poe's face, dried blood caked onto it, his half-lidded eyes, and the strange angle his leg is at. There's no way Poe can think properly, much less run in that state. “Please, by the love of Merlin, don’t engage!”_

_“Denise!” Finn announces to her, raising his working hand away from his bloody hip in a peaceful gesture. “Denise, there's still a way out of this.”_

_“You never wanted me,” she sobs, “_ Never _!” She leans forward slightly, but doesn't shift her grip on the gun. “You fuckin lied to me!”_

_“I didn't, Denise,” he says, trying to remain calm, “I told you the truth. Me for him.”_

_“You would do that?” she asks incredulously._

_“Yes,” he says, knowing with every fiber of his being that he would._

_“You would_ kill _yourself for him?”_

 _“Yes,” Finn says,_ a million times yes. Always, just I promised in our handfasting vows. _“He's my husband.”_

_“Always,” Poe rasps, and Finn's heart goes to his throat as Poe's eyes open wide, alert for the first time since Finn pulled off the blindfold. “A thousand times over-”_

_“No!” Denise screams, and raises the gun. In an instant, a gunshot goes off, and for a horrible, dreadful moment, Finn can't tell where it came from. Denise and Poe both collapse, and as he runs forward he sees blood on both of their heads. He drops to his knees by Poe's side, and there are no words to describe the relief as Poe gives him a pained but weak smile._

_“Sorry, pretty boy,” he says, “But I can't quite stand at the moment.”_

_“Oh my g-ds,” Finn says, and wraps his arms around Poe's torso. He pulls Poe up into his arms, careful not to jostle his leg but letting Poe collapse into Finn. Poe's head drops to Finn's shoulder as Finn cradles him in his arms._

_“I'm so sorry,” he sobs, “I love you, I love you, I love you.” The words are the only thing he can say, the only thing that can erase the feeling of Denise's tongue in his mouth, her hands down his shirt, and the sight of her holding a gun to Poe's head. They're the only way he can think of to apologise for the words he had to say to keep Poe safe, the words he told Denise to keep his husband alive._

_“I love you too, Finn,” Poe says, voice pained and exhausted. “But your arm’s been shot.”_

_“Finn,” comes a familiar, gentle voice, and he looks to his right to find Lando there. “Poe’s right. You can't be exerting your hip like that. The EMTs will be here in just a moment to look at you and Poe. Do you mind letting go of Poe?”_

_Finn knows the stats, knows what he should do to prevent further damage to a gunshot wound (especially after the wound in his leg a few years ago) but that doesn't mean he's letting go. He shifts to sit next to his husband, letting go of Poe with the arm on his wounded side (levering his hip upward to decrease bloodflow) but keeping his healthy arm wrapped around Poe's shoulders. Poe leans heavily against his side but Finn barely feels it through the adrenaline. “I'm not letting go,” he says, looking up at Lando. “I'm never letting go.”_

_“Okay,” Lando says. “That's fine. Just... don't stress yourself, alright?”_

_Finn goes to respond when Poe's body goes slack under his arm. He glances over to see that Poe’s blacked out. “Oh, g-ds,” he mutters, “He’s unconscious.”)_

-

After six months, a neighbor finds a body by the river behind Poe and Finn's apartment complex. The face and hands are mangled, unable to be identified, and the flesh is cursed with a burn hex to erase proper identification. The rest of the body is mutilated, parts of the legs and arms Vanished. The body type and height fits, however. There's a hoodie right by the corpse that Finn recognizes- it's his only souvenir from his years at MIT, a sweatshirt that Poe often co-opts for himself. Poe had probably changed into it that afternoon after the case.

Finn collapses to his knees, dry heaving at the horror before him. Rey leans down and rubs his back, but he barely registers it. That mangled, corroded corpse could be his Poe.

The neighbor mutters, tone a bit freaked out by the situation, "Thought you were an agent for that supernatural crimes thing. Shouldn't you be able to handle this a bit better than that?"

"That's probably his husband," Rey snaps as Finn raises himself back up on shaky knees. He has to stay calm and in control of his emotions if he wants to make it through.

"We have to call the police, have the medical examiner give an autopsy of the body," Finn says. "Only way to tell." He turns to the neighbor. "Thank you for bringing this to our attention. We'll take care of it from here."

The neighbor gives him a slightly incredulous look, but nods and trudges back up to their apartment.

Rey turns to him, steadfastly not looking at the body as Finn pulls up the team's contact on his phone. "You okay, Finn?"

"I don't know," he says honestly.

She swallows. "You need a hug?"

Finn has a terrible flashback to the hospital when they were told about Leia's “death” and he had held Poe. He remembers his panic attacks, Poe’s nightmares, the threats of Finn relapsing on his pixie dust addiction.

He nearly chokes on tears. Poe can't be dead. This can't be his body. Finn can't go through the agony again. (He doesn't know if he'd survive.)

“No, thank you,” he says.

-

The hoodie has Poe's DNA on it.

Instead of heartbreak, resolve sets in. The body is not identifiable- clothes can't be total proof. Poe could be alive.

(Poe _has_ to be alive.)

-

There's a funeral at the seven month mark. Finn watches as a runed urn of not positively identified ashes sinks into the ground, gaze undistracted by the crying mourners around him. He watches, unflinching, as first the gravediggers shovel in the dirt over the urn, and then a priest prays blessings from Thoth (the Dameron's protector g-d) over Poe's ashes. Finn doesn't make eye contact with Femi, Poe’s sister, or Shara, his mother. He doesn't know if he could bear it.

(The last funeral Finn attended, he helped bear the casket. Poe walked across from him, lifting the other side. Afterwards, they tumbled into bed together, holding each other in their grief.)

(The bed will, once again, be cold and empty tonight.)

The mourners all offer the young, grieving widower ( _widower_ , Finn thinks, a sense of anxiety rising in his chest, _what a strange, desolate term that I never thought would be applied to me_ ) their condolences.

 _Two years married_ , the mourners say, _So sad. So short a time together._

 _Eight years before that_ , he wants to say, but doesn't. _And he's not dead. Shut up, shut up, shut the fuck up-_

"I'm sorry about what's happening," Yaz, Poe’s cousin, says, voice quiet, as she walks up to him, and Finn locks eyes with her.

Finally, someone who somewhat understands. "You went missing," he says quietly, "For eight years. Everyone thought you were dead. Do you think Poe is dead?"

"If he's not," Yaz says, "Then he's in hell." Tears spring to Finn's eyes but do not fall. "That's the only thing that would keep him away from you."

(Finn doesn't know what he wishes: that Poe is alive, and can be saved, or if he's dead, and not suffering.)

Yaz looks him dead in the eye. "You're not a monster if you want him to be alive," she says, "You're just human."

Yaz knows what she's talking about- she was kidnapped and brainwashed by a cult of fanatic vampires. She lived in their colony for eight years. It was actually an unrelated case of the Agency's that cracked open the mystery of her whereabouts, and when she emerged she had actually given birth to a hybrid, Finn and Poe’s nephew Anthony. It's been four years, but even now he can still sometimes see a haunted look in her eyes.

(Is that what Poe will look like when they find him? Is that what Finn will look like, soon?)

“You sure?” He asks.

She nods. “I know what it's like, Finn,” she says, “To be in hell. My only hope was to think of my family and hope they were thinking of me. As the years went by, I thought of my family less and less- brainwashing does that sort of thing. Yet, whenever I thought of them, it was with a desperate sort of hope.” She looks him straight in the eye. “If you think of him as alive, that will give you hope. Wherever he is, the thought of you is giving you hope.” She puts a hand on his shoulder.

“Okay,” he says. ****

He just needs to have hope, and he will survive this.


	2. if you're still breathing, you're the lucky ones

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Title is from "Youth" by Daughter.

Obi-Wan finds Finn curled up in a bathroom on a case, knees tucked against his chest and back braced against the wall. He's crying, tears streaking his cheeks.

(Obi-Wan’s heart squeezes painfully.)

He squats down next to Finn, heart breaking for their youngest team member (and youngest adult family member). "Hey, kid," Obi-Wan says, "You need some time to yourself?"

Finn's struggle to calm himself is obvious as his breathing quickens further before slowing down to a normal speed. He reaches up to wipe away tears, to erase signs of vulnerability.

"I'm sorry," he says. "It's incredibly unprofessional of me to break down like this on a case. I should be strong-"

"Listen to me, Finn," Obi-Wan instructs, and the thirty-four-year-old glances up at him. Obi-Wan can see that Finn's eyes are bloodshot. "It's okay to not be okay. You just buried your husband. No one, and I repeat  _ no one _ , expect you to be okay.”

'I know," Finn says quietly, and his arms tremble. "It's just...those victims- they've been found with similar wounds. Hands burned with hexes, face vanished away. I just can't stop picturing that body we found." Ah, right- Finn doesn't think that the body is Poe's, despite all the evidence. "And I can't help thinking about how all the witnesses were talking about how they regret that they never got to say goodbye. And, I did, but if I had known it was going to be the last time I saw him-” He swallows, his Adam’s apple bobbing up and down. “I would have held him for longer.”

Obi-Wan puts a hand on Finn’s knobbly knee. "You've got us, Finn, I swear. Poe was our friend, our family, too. We may not miss him as much as you do, but we do understand and we're here for you. You don't have to go through this alone."

Finn gives Obi-Wan the barest approximation of a smile- far more of a grimace, to be honest- as he stands up. "Thank you, Obi-Wan."

"No problem, kid," Obi-Wan says, starting to guide Finn out of the restroom and back to the command center. “I’ve had to work through Poe’s death too. After the funeral, we've all been grieving-"

"He's not dead," Finn says, stopping Obi-Wan before they leave the bathroom. "Poe isn't dead, Obi-Wan.” He swallows. “He can't be dead. I  _ need  _ him to not be dead.”

Obi-Wan has accepted that Poe's most likely dead. There's the slightest thread of doubt at the fact that the body was unidentifiable, but the sweatshirt was, by both Finn and a DNA test. Still, he could see how a grieving husband- even one as smart as Finn- could convince themselves that the slimmest of doubts could mean that Poe's still alive. It's psychologically beneficial to Finn to believe that, just as it is psychologically helpful for Obi-Wan to erase his doubts and believe that Poe's actually dead. False hope has destroyed Obi-Wan the past. Letting the dead stay dead is the best policy for keeping Obi-Wan sane.

"Okay," Obi-Wan says. "He's not dead."

 

_ (Finn and Poe enters the briefing room and are greeted by darkness, which is weird because he could have sworn that this window had been lit up from the outside when he and Poe had arrived a few minutes ago. “Um, hello?” Finn asks, groping for the light switch. _

_ “SURPRISE!” The light turns on and his teammates- Rey, Jess, Leia, Lando, Obi-Wan, and, from his side, Poe, shout. Finn grins at the realization that his team put all this together. _

_ Finn is hugged in turn by Rey, Jess, and Obi-Wan, Obi-Wan actually leaning in and pressing a quick congratulatory peck to each cheek. Then he turns to Poe, who envelops him in a hug and presses a kiss to his cheek. Then, as he leans back, Finn's husband teases: “How's thirty feel, old man?” _

_ Finn raises an eyebrow. “'Old man?’” He asks. “I'm not the one turning forty in two months. How're those antique bones feeling?” _

_ Poe rolls his eyes as Jess giggles. “Just as spry as the day we met, thank you very much.” _

_ “Don't need to retire soon?” Finn asks, leaning in. “Don't feel the arthritis setting in yet?” _

_ “If Obi-Wan over there can still charge into a crime scene quicker than you,” Poe says, gaze locked on Finn's, “Then I have no excuse, do I?” _

_ Finn smiles, leans in, and kisses Poe. “I love you,” he says, “Even if you're ridiculous.” He gives him another quick kiss. “And old.” _

_ He turns away from Poe just slightly to find Jess holding up a cake with two white candles numbering  _ 30 _ lit atop. “Make a wish, boy wonder,” she says, and he blows them out, a grin lighting up his face. _

All I wish for _ , he thinks,  _ is what I have: my husband and the rest of my family at my side, happy and safe, for the rest of my days.

_ Poe leans in, wrapping an arm around Finn's waist, to ask: “What'd you wish for, pretty boy?” _

_ “Oh, none of your business, dear,” Finn says. _

_ “Oh really?” Poe says, raising an eyebrow. _

_ “Really,” Finn says, leaning into Poe's supportive hold. “They say not to tell your wishes if you want them to come true-” _

_ “Flirt later, cake now,” Leia says, holding up a plate of cake. In her other hand is a glass of blood. _

_ Finn laughs and takes the offered slice. "Thanks, Leia." _

_ She winks. "Always, Finn." _

_ Jess nudges Poe in the side. "So, Poe, I hope that you don't mind that I'll be stealing your husband next weekend." _

_ "Comic-Con?" Poe immediately asks, and Finn nods. _

_ "Sure you don't want to come with?" Finn asks. "You can be Nine." He grins. "You look great in a leather jacket." _

_ "As much as I'd love to be your favorite Doctor," Poe says, "Cosplaying just isn't my thing." _

_ "I know," he says, "It's just always worth asking.” _

_ “And besides,” Finn says, breath ghosting against Poe's lips, “I know I'm already your favorite doctor.” _

_ “Dr. Finn Skywalker-Dameron,” Poe says, then leans in and kisses Finn.) _

  
  



	3. without you life goes on (but i'm gone)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Title comes from "Without You" by Jonathan Larson.

A year passes from Poe's disappearance. A year and a half.

Finn's stomach still clenches at the mention of Poe's name, his heart still squeezes when he looks at the photo he keeps on his desk- a photo of them at their handfasting ceremony, Poe grinning as Finn presses a kiss to his cheek.

His panic attacks have abated a bit, but he still falls asleep to nightmares about whatever may be happening to Poe. 

-

There's a file that gets carried everywhere Finn goes, tucked in his satchel. It's labeled as SOLVED, but Finn knows otherwise. He spends nearly all of his time outside of his job working on the case, following leads that always seem to lead to dead ends. Still, he doesn't get discouraged. Poe is alive- he  _ knows _ it.

For a long time, the prospect of Poe being alive is the only thing keeping Finn from returning to his addiction of pixie dust. The cravings come and go, but Finn goes to the occasional PDA meeting and always brings out the file folder when he's at his worst.

-

Jess joins him for dinner a lot during the first year or so after the funeral. Her best friend is missing, and she's the only one besides Finn who believes that Poe is still alive.

They talk about a number of things- Comic-Con, Supernatural Discrimination laws, cases they’re working on, Jess’s on-and-off relationship with Slip from the Forensic unit- but conversation always circles back around to Poe.

"We  _ will _ find him, Finn," she says. "I  _ promise _ ."

He swallows. "I know. It's just hard, sometimes, with all the false leads. I want to believe, just…”

She leans forward and places a hand on Finn's. He looks down at their hands and can't help but miss Poe. As comforting as Jess is, with her bright clothes and bright personality, she's not Finn's husband, with his love for Mary J Blige and his car and Rick Riordan and pasta. She's a great friend, but she's not the man Finn fell in love with. She's not the man who held Finn through panic attacks, who kept him from relapsing, who knows what pasta works as a comfort food and what spells he finds most fascinating.

Still, he's thankful. Jess is comforting, in her own bright way. He understands why she and Poe are best friends.

"You want me to help you with the file?" she asks.

He nods. “Of course I do,” he says.

It takes almost much as effort to smile as it did to make his way through his second doctorate, but he makes it.

-

Every year, on Poe's birthday, their anniversary, and Finn's birthday, Finn visits the grave. He brings azaleas (Poe's favorite flower), kneels down, and places the flowers on the headstone under the name Skywalker-Dameron.

"I love you, Poe Jacobo Skywalker-Dameron, and I know you're not dead. I hope that wherever you are, you are safe and healthy and as happy as you can be. I hope that your pain is little, your blessings many, and fate kind.”

It's a prayer of blessing, a channeling of goodwill for Poe's continued health and wellbeing. A year and a half ago a priest said a death prayer over the grave. Finn gives it life.

Finn is no supernatural creature, save for the faintest trace of Muse in his blood, but Poe is a demig-d. The Dameron family hosts the power of Thoth in their veins, and prayers to the g-d of knowledge often receive blessings.

Finn just hopes that this will count.

-

Finn remembers something he said on a case over three years ago:  _ “I think I'm much better prepared for sacrificing myself than watching you getting hurt.” _

Every day he wishes that he could be the one suffering instead of Poe, wherever he is.

-

_ (Poe finally opens his eyes and blinks sleepily at the bright lights in the hospital room. He turns his head towards Finn, who is sitting next to him,  _ Dracula  _ in hand. _

_ “Quite a change from normal, isn't it?” Finn asks, smiling wearily, glasses perched on his nose. Glasses that he hasn’t worn in six years, that is. _

_ Poe's gaze travels over Finn, searching out any sign of distress, and finds- “Fuck,” he rasps, “Your hip.” _

_ Finn glances down at the hip that is propped up by pillows and wrapped in bandages. He's wearing a pair of loose sweatpants on the doctor's orders, and it feels so strange to be wearing such a thing in anything close to a public area. Finn himself doesn't even own any sweatpants outside of his pjs, and he's actually currently wearing a shirt of Poe's. It's kind of big and loose on him, but as Poe's been out for a day and a half it's been rather comforting. _

_ “Yeah,” he says, “It's healing quite nicely. Clean shot, luckily. Didn't hit anything too important. I just can't move too intensively for a few weeks, even walk too much- that's why I'm wearing glasses, as standing up for minutes at a time so I can put contacts in inevitably puts a strain on my hip- but then I'll be good. It was a graze, just hurt like Ra’s crook and flail. You, on the other hand…” he swallows. “You'll be on crutches for as long as I was, back when that suspect shot me in the knee.” _

_ Poe's face falls at the prospect of not being able to properly go out in the field for awhile, but he manages to find something good in the situation. “Well, we're both safe,” he says, “If a little battered. That's all that matters to me.” _

_ Finn smiles. “Right. As long as we're alive to bicker another day, we're good.” _

_ “Hey,” Poe protests, “We don't bicker.” _

_ “Okay, fine. Banter, then. Discuss. Argue. Any of the above. It doesn't matter. What matters is that it's me and you.” _

_ Poe smiles fondly, but then his eyes go wide, and Finn leans in just slightly. “You okay?” _

_ “My handfasting bracelet,” Poe says, and Finn swallows. Right. _

_ “It's gone. We assume that Denise took it-” _

_ “She was wearing it,” Poe says, voice quiet, and Finn's breath catches in his throat. “Up until the moment she died. She took it while I was unconscious and when I woke up she told me she was 'fixing' everything. I…” His voice trails off, and his fingers clench. _

_ A number of possibilities run through Finn's mind. There's the option of acquiring the bracelet from the mortuary (a morbid and possibly triggering idea- the ring could become a reminder of Denise kidnapping Poe), but Finn, selfishly, doesn’t want to ever see the face of Denise Walker again. _

_ “So would you like to go a jeweler’s some time in the next few days?” Finn asks. “We could have another one made.” _

__ _ Poe nods. “Sounds good to me-” _

_ Someone knocks on the door and Poe looks up to see it's Jess and Obi-Wan. _

_ “Hey, Baby Girl,” he says to Jess, then looks to Obi-Wan. “And Uncle Kenobi.” _

_ Obi-Wan snorts. “Even being taken hostage and beaten up doesn't change your sense of humor." _

_ “Would you expect it to?” Poe asks and Obi-Wan and Jess head over to the bed and take seats, Jess on the opposite side as Finn and Obi-Wan in the seat just beyond Finn's. _

_ “Never,” Obi-Wan says with a smile. _

_ “Poe Skywalker-Dameron,” Jess scolds, “How dare you get yourself abducted and injured like that? You had poor boy wonder and I worried frantic.” _

_ “Yeah,” Finn says, “I think I'm much better prepared for sacrificing myself than watching you getting hurt.” _

_ “How ‘bout  _ no one  _ gets hurt, eh?” Obi-Wan asks, raising an eyebrow. _

_ “Sounds good to me,” Poe says. “This hurts like a vampire’s bite.” _

-

They go through new agents (replacements, Finn's mind whispers, but he ignores it): Juan Gomez, Snap Jameson, Dr. Rose Tran. Even Leia Organa comes back two years after Poe's disappearance, slipping right back into her role as Unit Head of the Agency.

"I'm sorry," she says, tears as fresh and raw as when he first called her after they found a body.

"It's okay," he says.


	4. i had all and then most of you (some and now none of you)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Title is from "The Night We Met" by Lord Huron.
> 
> This has gotta be the longest chapter in the story as well as has the longest/happiest flashback. I might not be able to post for awhile, so I hope this will tide you over. Hope y'all enjoy!

Finn's sense memories disappear slowly. First goes the feeling of Poe's skin against Finn's, the feeling of Poe's lips against his. Then goes his memory of Poe's aura, which always smelled faintly of earth and salt. Finally goes the exact cadence of Poe's voice, the highs and lows and the way he bent each vowel.

(Finn was supposed to go first. There's a message, saved on a database in Headquarters and on a heartstone, long dead and lost. There's a voice, ill and wavering, that spells out Finn's final words,  _ love _ and  _ loss _ equal on his lips.

Poe was  _ never supposed to go first _ .)

-

_ (They tumble into bed a few hours after their double date with Leia and her girlfriend, at least tipsy if not flat-out drunk. Hands go everywhere- hair, shoulders, torso- and their kisses are sloppy. Poe’s shirtless- a sight that, while Finn can appreciate is well-toned and objectively attractive, inspires no sexual desires within him- and Finn’s not, electing to keep his polo on. _

_ Then Poe’s hands travel below the waist and Finn freezes, alcohol haze vacating his mind quicker than the vampires evacuated the Austro-Hungarian empire. “Poe,” says, careful to keep his neutral, but Poe instantly catches his unease and sits up. _

_ “Right, pretty boy,” he says, “Sorry ‘bout that.” _

_ “It’s fine,” Finn says, and it is. Finn’s not entirely sex repulsed- he just has no desire to pursue the subject. _

_ “Good,” Poe says. He falls onto his back and rolls over until he’s facing Finn. “I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.” _

_ “You didn't,” Finn tries to assure him, and Poe gives him a come-the-fuck-on look. “Okay,” Finn says, “Maybe a little. But you pulled back, and that's what counts.” He gives Poe a small smile. “We can go back to kissing, if you want.” _

Please,  _ Finn thinks,  _ Please let's go back to it. Then we can just forget about this entire incident and you won't have doubts about whether you want to be in a relationship with someone who can't give you what you want.

_ “Only if you're comfortable with it,” Poe says,being as attentive and kind as usual, and Finn wonders how he got so lucky as to find Poe. “I don't want to force anything.” _

_ “Of course,” Finn says, and pulls Poe in for another kiss.) _

-

After two and a half years (two years, six months, two weeks, three days, four hours, and thirty seven seconds since Finn last laid eyes on his husband), the team is starting to make their worries about Finn's mental state known. His obsession with tracking down leads has become near-legend in headquarters.

Leia sits him down in her office and looks him in the eye. "Finn," she says, voice soothing, "This is becoming a problem. There has to be something I can do to help you move on."

"He's not dead, Leia," Finn says, and waits patiently for her to argue with him until she gives up, just as everyone else eventually does.

Instead, she just sighs. "Finn, look at me," she says quietly, and his gaze snaps up to look her right in the red-irised eye. "From the bottom of my heart, I'm sorry for what happened to Poe. I wish I'd been here to help you out when it had first happened."

Finn immediately feels compelled to reassure her. "There's nothing you could have done, Leia."

Her tone is soothing. "I know, Finn, but I don't think that you do." Finn purses his lips, wishing that this conversation would end. Leia, however, doesn’t seem to be getting this message. She continues on, irregardless of how much he  _ doesn’t  _ want to hear. “You seem to be dwelling on Poe’s disappearance far more than is healthy. I can see that it’s hurting you. Just know that, whatever happens, whatever outcome occurs, I know you. You will grieve, and you will heal, and someday you will be okay." She swallows, something in her gaze going distant. "And someday...well, someday, you'll learn how to let go."

Finn recognizes the certainty in Leia's eyes, and he suddenly remembers that she's lived for two hundred years. Vampires, though not invulnerable (and thus killable), are immortal, bodies undecaying and unaging. Leia has seen plenty of death before, even nearly died when working a case with the Agency. She is no stranger to grief. She knows what she's talking about.

So yes, he'll grieve. And yes, someday he'll be okay.

(But will he let go? Oh, g-ds no. He can't.)

-

They're on the second new semi-permanent addition to the team (Juan Gomez had worked for two years, but shortly after Leia returned he was offered a job at Interpol), Snap Jameson. Kay is a transfer from the Welsh division of the Agency and is actually one of the last dragons. As far as Finn is aware, there are actually only two pure dragons left in the so-called “Western" world- Kay, and a woman named Dr. Parker Williams over at ESCAPE. Rey is part dragon, but it's not the same.

Snap’s first case reveals something rather striking. They’re tracking down a gang of serial killers who kill with Darke magyk, with a signature of a Dark rune on the forearm of the victim with a single slashing blow that shredded the chest.

Finn finds Snap in the mortuary, staring at the bodies with a strange, faraway look in his life.

“You okay, Snap?”

“My sister and brother-in-law were killed by Crusaders,” Snap says.

“This has gotta bring back some bad memories.”

“Yeah,” Snap agrees. He sighs and turns to Finn. "But I’m fine, now. It’s been a millenia. You don’t have to treat me differently, like I’m fragile, because of it.”

"Snap..." Finn asks, "Do you know what happened to me a couple of years ago?"

"They say your husband died a couple of years ago."

"They found a body, yes, but it was unidentifiable," Finn says. "The clothing they found nearby had his DNA on it, though, so most everyone believes that he's dead. Either way, he's gone. I know what it's like to have to grieve over the loss of a family member.”

Snap looks contemplative. “I met my life partner, a vampire, about three hundred years ago. He and I were both suffering from grief. When we first met, we clashed, but we helped each other heal. We couldn’t fix everything for each other, but we did fix some things. Life gets better when you let people in.”

Supplanting death with birth, replacing grief with acceptance- sounds like a wonderful yet terrible idea.

-

Finn is eventually able to smile without feeling like the world will crumble, is able to laugh without feeling like he's betraying something, but he never dates again. He never wants to feel another man's skin against his, never wants to kiss lips that aren't Poe's.

-

_ (“We eat what we cook, and most importantly, we do it together, just like a family.” _

_ Finn looks around at these people he’s decided to surround himself with, these people that he cares about and loves and would do anything for. He smiles, wondering over how lucky he is that after everything that’s gone wrong, this something has finally gone right. _

_ “Okay, can we drink now?” Rey asks, and Obi-Wan grins. _

_ “Now.” _

_ “ _ Evíva! _ ” They all toast, and clink glasses. Finn turns to Poe last before taking a sip. _

_ “Thank you, Poe,” he says, raising a glass a little to his fiancé, “For keeping me sane.” _

_ Poe grins. “With a family like this,” he says, gesturing to their friends, “We both need some sanity.” He tips back a swig, and Finn’s there with a kiss when Poe lowers his glass again. It’s just a quick peck, nothing too intense, but it has Obi-Wan winking at them and Leia smirking. _

_ “Amen to that,” Rey says, and raises her glass. “To family, to love, and to Kenobi’s cooking.” _

_ As they all cheer and clink glasses again, Jess says, “The latter two of which are often considered the same.” _

_ “He’s not a straw, Baby Girl,” Poe says, “You don’t need to suck up.” _

_ “And that makes you…?” Finn teases, and Poe turns back to him. _

_ “Her best friend and the second best-looking guy in the room.” _

_ Finn raises an eyebrow. “Second best-looking? You’re obviously- oh.” His teammates laugh as he blushes, but it’s kind, obviously friendly. It’s the kind of laughter that buoys him up inside, making him feel high in all the right ways. _

_ “Oh, pretty boy,” Poe says, “You must be suffering under some sort of delusion if you think that you’re not the most gorgeous man in this room- my apologies to Obi-Wan, but in the name of the truth…” He shrugs, smirking at Obi-Wan, and something inside of Finn’s chest swells tight as Poe leans forward and drops a quick kiss on his cheek. _

_ “None taken, kiddo,” Obi-Wan says, spooning out pasta into bowls for everyone, “I know that you’re just not mature enough to appreciate me and my assets.” _

_ Rey and Leia whoot. “Not bad, Uncle Kenobi,” Rey says with a wink, taking a sip. _

_ “That’s Chef Kenobi tonight,” Obi-Wan corrects. _

_ “Well, actually, it’s either Saucier Chef or even Chef de Partie,” Finn pipes in, “As “Chef” is a rather broad term that encompasses a range of positions and isn’t the most specific term possible…” He trails off as he sees that everyone’s looking at him, fond smiles on their faces. “Um, cheers?” He tries, and receives no protests as everyone cheers and raises their glasses again. _

_ “Kiddo,” Obi-Wan says, gesturing to him, “Help me pass out the food?” _

_ “Of course,” Finn says, setting down his glass on the counter and going to help pass out bowls as Kenobi sets up the seasonings on the counter. He saves Poe and himself for last, sliding onto the bar stool which has somehow been slid closer to Poe than Em. He glances down at the seat as he sits down, then back up at Poe. “Hmm,” he says, “I wonder how that happened.” _

_ Poe raises an eyebrow, ‘innocent’ smile on his face. “How what happened?” _

_ Finn rolls his eyes as he picks up his fork. “You idiot,” he says. _

_ “Your idiot,” Poe corrects as Finn takes a bite. _

Oh g-d _ , Finn thinks, eyes widening,“This is the best pasta I’ve ever had, Kenobi,” Leia says, beating him to it. _

_ “What did I tell you?” Obi-Wan says, “Authentic Italian is the best.” _

_ “I’d have to agree, Obi-Wan,” Leia says. _

_ “Sounds like Kenobi’s is the place for parties from now on?” Rey asks with a smirk. _

_ “I’ll second that,” Leia says, raising her glass. _

_ “Do I get any say in this?” Obi-Wan asks, raising an eyebrow. _

_ “Nope,” Jess declares. “Your food's too good, and 'sides, you're the only one with a mansion.” _

_ “Our apartment can barely hold us and Clooney, much less the whole team,” Finn says. “So we're out for any party planning.” _

_ “So the bachelor party’s gotta be somewhere else?” Jess asks, and Finn's cheeks flare red as Poe grins. _

_ “Yep,” he says, “The bachelor party's elsewhere.” He looks at Obi-Wan. “You up for it, Kenobi?” Obi-Wan's eyes bug out and Finn and Poe chuckle. _

_ “Don't worry, Kenobi,” Finn says, “You won't have to have the bachelor party, because we're pretty sure the handfasting ceremony's not going to be here in Quantico.” _

_ Everyone stares at Finn incredulously. “What?” Leia asks, and she makes a kind of funny picture, in the middle of a bite with the fork poised right in front of her mouth. _

_ “My mom can't stay here for a longer period of time,” Finn says, and looks of understanding cross everyone's faces. “We were thinking closer to D.C., or at least closer to a hospital that can properly treat her- that is, if she receives the okay to leave.” _

_ “If it means having the ceremony in Vegas, then we're both okay with that outcome,” Poe says. “And if means having it a little bit away from here, then that's fine too.” _

_ “I’ve got no problems with it being in Vegas,” Leia says with a grin. “And I'm sure no one else does, either.” _

_ “Anthony and Henry are the only ones I'm worried about,” Rey says, “But I'm pretty sure they'll be up for a vacation, wherever and whenever you guys decide to have the ceremony.” _

_ “Of course,” Finn says, “What kind of handfasting ceremony would this be without the whole family there?” _

_ Poe smiles and nudges Finn lightly in the side as he takes a bite. “We were thinking of it being kind of small, you know,” he says to everyone else. “Just you guys, your families, our immediate families, and a few close friends. Qui-Gon, Padme, maybe even see if Femi and Yaz can make it.” _

_ “Ooh,” Rey says, gesturing with her fork, “Kenobi and I will finally be able to meet the famous Femi Skywalker.” _

_ “That's a maybe,” Finn says, “We don't know how receptive she'll be, but considering her liking Poe's Facebook post and expressing her congratulations, I think she'll want to come.” _

_ “I'm sure she'll want to come,” Poe says. “She always had a soft spot for you.” _

_ “Everyone has a soft spot for Jon,” Rey says. _

_ When Finn makes a small noise of protest, Leia gives him a small smile. “She's not wrong. Dameron, you're our youngest, and years of friendship- of family- has been plenty endearing.” _

_ “Mere exposure effect,” Finn says, setting down his fork to hold up a hand to gesture. “Or the familiarity principle. People tend to develop a preference for things merely because they are familiar with them. Spending long periods of time with me has led to you all finding me 'endearing-’” He's cut off by Poe turning and pressing a kiss to his lips, effectively shutting him up. _

_ “Pretty boy,” Poe says as he leans back, “We all know the basics of psychology, and we all love you. You can't use it to put yourself down or try and downgrade how everyone obviously loves you because you're wonderful.” _

_ Finn smiles and kisses him back, muttering, “And you're sappy.” _

_ Obi-Wan says, “Now, I don't know if I'd go so far as to say  _ love _ -" _

_ Jess snorts. “You said it yourself, Uncle Kenobi- we're a family.  Better get used to it.” _

_ Obi-Wan raises an eyebrow to Leia. “What have I gotten myself into?” _

_ “Exactly what you and Jess said- family. Family that will never desert you, always have your back, and be by your side whenever you need it. _

_ “Aw,” Jess coos. _

_ “Now you're the sappy one, Tran,” Poe says. _

_ Leia rolls her eyes. “Like anyone could possibly be sappier than you and Dameron.” _

_ “Hear, hear,” Rey cheers, raising her glass.) _

-

Rey gets pregnant. Finn is overjoyed by the idea of a new g-dchild, a new family member. Her older son Henry is a darling little hybrid, his dragon eyes always the same bright green as the green scales that sometimes shift over Rey’s skin.

She confides in him that the plan, if the child is male, is to name the boy Ben Poe Laurent. She asks Finn's blessing for the name.

Finn thinks about Poe, about how much he enjoyed spending time babysitting Henry and how much he loved his nephew Anthony, and he nods. "Of course," Finn says, smiling. "Poe would have loved that."

Finn goes home that night and breaks down, weeping into his pillow. He'd thought that he had accepted Poe being gone (not dead, definitely not dead, but gone), but every time he thinks he's content something else comes and knocks him down.

A child with Poe's name but Rey's face. A small baby, innocent to the world, bearing the name of a man who who persevered through hell.

Life cycles through. New replaces old. The world turns on. 

-

"Dr. Finn Skywalker," Leia introduces Finn to local cops once, a year after she returns. He asks her afterwards why she uses his old name, and she says that she wanted to help the grieving process along. She asks him if it's okay, and he shrugs.

"It's a mouthful anyway," he says, even as he repeats the name  _ Finn Skywalker-Dameron _ like a mantra in his brain.

_ - _

_ (Poe's eyes are suspiciously wet, but he grins, leans in, and presses a kiss to Finn's lips. “You are the best gift I've ever received,” Poe says, and Finn smiles, letting his eyes fall shut as he sinks into Poe, Poe's hands laid against Finn's chest as Finn kisses Poe's face. Finn's hands travel to Poe's shoulders, feeling out a familiar path. _

_ “G-ds,” Finn says between kisses, a buoyant feeling bubbling up inside his chest, “I love you so much, Poe Skywalker-Dameron, my wonderful husband.” _

_ Poe presses a kiss to Finn's neck, and Finn can barely hear the words he breathes out: “I love you too, Finn Skywalker-Dameron, my beautiful husband.” _

_ Finn's not into fairytales- save as a source of analysis for cultural values and his comparative literature classes- but he suddenly understands Jess's “happy ending” comments from a last year. This intimacy, this baring of himself to Poe, feels so incredibly right in a way that Finn's never felt before.) _

-

Five years after and this- this is  _ not _ a fairytale.


	5. burning the memories (of when you were mine)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Title is from "Burn" sung by Phillipa Soo.
> 
> Extra gift for Zoe_Dameron!
> 
>  
> 
> (Also, I don't think that I've mentioned it but the songs used for titles are the song that I used to write each chapter.)

Eventually, everyone seems to be resigned to the idea that Poe is actually dead. Even Jess seems to be losing hope.

She finds Finn sitting on the sofa, the photo album for their handfasting ceremony in hand. It's a horribly cheesy thing, cover white and frilly. Jess herself made it for them, five years ago.

_("The handfasting ceremony was so simple," she says, "Let me go overboard with the memories."_

_Poe winks at Finn, and the doctor has to smother a grin.)_

"I know it's hard for us to accept," she says, bright pink jacket nearly blinding him, "But he's gone. Our beautiful demig-d was a wonderful man, but he's gone from this world, Boy Wonder."

"I know," he says, even though there's a voice in the back of his mind shouting _Bullshit. I don't believe it. I can't believe it. Poe cannot be dead, because this was supposed to be a story that finally got its happy ending. Both of us deserved happiness after the hell we've been through._

 _He just_ can't _be dead. Period._

-

Finn arrives home to the apartment one night to find envelopes from various agencies piling up on the kitchen table. It’s hard to look at, to contemplate leaving the Agency, but he kind of has to.

He has to consider taking any of the myriad of offers from everywhere from other intelligence agencies to universities to even within the FBI itself. He has two doctorates (Psychology and Anthropology, both with Supernatural concentrations), as well as two bachelor's degrees (Demography & Population Studies and Genetics- once again, with Supernatural concentrations), and he's published a few well-known papers. He's balanced college guest speaking with his job at the Agency for over fourteen years, and it may be time to branch out.

That night he dreams of Poe, of a time when everyone was still happy and alive. It's a small, innocent memory: their first time waking up together as a married couple. It’s not like they’d never woken up together before (they shared an apartment for five years before they were married- it’d be weird if they _didn’t_ wake up together), but it had been just a little bit different.

 _Finn, for the first time in his adult life, wakes up shirtless, his bare back against Poe's stomach. The feeling of sheets against his bare skin is a strange one, but the arm around his torso is even more noticeable. Finn knows it’s Poe’s, and his usual low-level sense of wariness, of borders, is completely gone. Instead, he luxuriates in this feeling of blissful openness, of this lack of boundary between him and his..._ husband _. Poe’s fingers curl over Finn’s, the slight weight of his arm a warm and welcome comfort against his stomach. Finn is suddenly hit by how happy he is by everything that’s happened to him lately. He has a husband now, his wonderful, beautiful Poe Skywalker-Dameron._

_"Finn,” Poe rasps, voice hoarsened by sleepiness. “You’re thinkin’ too hard.”_

_“We’re married, Poe,” Finn says, “You better get used to it.”_

_Poe’s voice is soft when he says, “I’m married. We're_ married _.” It comes slowly, hesitantly, as if he's just realizing the full magnitude of the events of yesterday. Poe leans in and presses a kiss to the back of Finn's neck._

_Finn shifts, carefully rolling over so he can face Poe without knocking his arm off. He leans forward and presses a quick kiss to Poe's mouth. "That we are. Good morning, sweet prince."_

_Poe grins sleepily. "G'morning, sleeping beauty." He kisses Finn's nose, pulling him in a little tighter as Finn's hands venture to Poe's shoulder and chest. They lay like that for a few minutes, trading slow, sleepy kisses, before they're interrupted by Poe's cell going off._

_Poe pulls back for a moment, groaning. "Really? We told everyone not to bother us for the next few days."_

_"Just ignore it," Finn says, kissing Poe's jaw. "It's not important-"_

_And then Finn's cell goes off. He sighs and extricates himself from Poe's arms. "It's probably important."_

_They both roll over and check the screens on their phones. Poe sighs. "The Agency for you, too?"_

_Finn nods. "Might as well answer one of them."_

_Poe nods and swipes the answer option. He places the cell on speakerphone. "Poe Skywalker-Dameron and Dr. Finn Skywalker-Dameron," he says, flashing a grin at Finn as he says their last names._

_"Sorry to call you in today," The Director says, "Especially after your special day yesterday- congratulations, by the way- but we have an urgent case and we need the team in today."_

_Finn looks up, meeting Poe's gaze, and nods, feeling a sense of resignation. "We'll be at the local office in less than hour, Director," Finn says, "And thank you for the well wishes."_

_"You're welcome, agents," she says, and then hangs up._

_Finn looks at Poe. "A few more minutes before getting up?"_

_Poe grins and leans in. "Sounds perfect," he says before capturing Finn's lips in his-_

Finn rolls over, hand searching for Poe. He can't wait to kiss his husband awake, for yet another perfect morning together. He can’t wait for morning kisses, for easy teasing and Poe running his fingers through Finn’s hair-

But Poe's gone. He's been gone for three years, eight months, and three days. Finn can't expect to wake up to Poe's beautiful face, to his breath across Finn's nose.

Finn realizes that he may remember his husband's face perfectly, but he doesn't know what Poe would look like now. He doesn't know what wrinkles Poe's gained, what hairs have gone gray, what callouses have been ground into his skin.

Finn feels the hem of his pajama shirt, a t-shirt that Poe used to wear constantly. It's a bit loose on Finn- actually, a lot loose compared to how it used to be as Finn's lost some weight since Poe disappeared. Nothing drastic, but without Poe to gently remind Finn to eat when he's deep into a case, he's forgotten a meal or two (or 127) in the nearly four years since Poe's disappearance.

Finn wonders, for a moment, if Poe would be able to recognize him.

He sighs. Of course Poe would, even if it's been some time. Even if Finn's changed slightly since they last saw each other. Eleven years of knowing each other- eight intimately- does that to a person. Finn knows that he'd recognize Poe in an instant, even if his idiosyncrasies have shifted. The base features, base mannerisms, would have stayed the same.

It hurts, though, to know that he missed watching those details and patterns develop. Finn feels a deep ache in his chest at the knowledge that he missed out on so much. Almost four years gone, now. That's double the amount of time they got to spend together married.

_Poe, I miss you like hell._

Finn pads downstairs and makes himself a large pot of coffee. Thirty eight years old, and he's still as big a coffee addict as he was at fourteen, trying to survive research for his first PHD dissertation. A study on the intersectionality between serial killings in 1980s and the depiction of vampires in the Christian Bible, he remembers. An interesting choice for an Anthropology degree, to be sure, but Professor Solo had endorsed it, so Finn, a fresh-faced 17-year-old, had ran with it.

He pours the coffee from pot to mug and makes his way over to the table. He sits back in his chair, taking a drink from his mug of coffee as he presses the home button on his phone to wake it up. His handfasting bracelet clinks against the screen, and Finn thinks of Poe. Poe, who had Finn’s bracelet carved into the shape of a mobilus strip for the proposal.

( _“A mobilus strip, for eternity,” Poe says. “Nothing would make me happier than to spend eternity with you, Finn. Will you marry me?”)_

The lock screen of his phone (the smartphone that Poe insisted he upgrade to, three months after their handfasting ceremony) is still a photo that Poe and Finn took the day they went to the store and bought the phone. It's a silly picture, with the side of Poe's face showing him wearing a camo baseball cap and placing a big fat kiss on Finn's cheek as the doctor grins, smile stretching ear to ear. There are visible laugh lines around Finn and Poe's eyes. Finn's heart aches as he remembers how happy they were, how in love they were even after nine years.

His fingers clench around the phone, bitter tears splashing down onto the screen. Finn's laugh lines haven't been laugh lines for three years. Facing a world of supernatural crime without Poe, his husband and best friend, by his side, has been disheartening. No- it's more than that. It's been _agonizing_. He and Poe had brought out the best in each other, helped each other find trust in a world that had beaten them both down.

Finn licks his lips, tasting the bitter drops of coffee left on his mouth. Not even the high of caffeine can drag him from this depressive state. He swallows and thinks back to the offers.

Poe never left, never took any of the job offers he was offered over the years. He'd been too loyal to their job, to catching the worst of criminals. Even after Leia's “death,” when the offers came from the League of Demig-ds, Poe had stayed despite the pain that grief bestowed upon him.

 _I can be strong too_ , Finn thinks. _I can stay, no matter how painful it is. Poe did, after Leia 'died.' I can do the same for him. I can make him proud._

Finn feels kind of hollow inside, but he also feels kind of proud as he takes up the envelopes over to the shredder. He turns it on and feeds them through, a few at a time, until all that's left is a pile of scraps at the bottom of the trash bin underneath. There's something satisfying about the sound, the feeling of controlled destruction.

He stands there for a moment, staring at the shredder, at the remains of what could have been his future. His heart isn't sure how to feel right now, whether satisfaction or resentment or depression should be taking precedence.

All there that’s left is chaos.

-

Grief had become a constant, become a numb weight that Finn wore as comfortably as he wore any elbow-patched blazer. Now, though, it rides uneasily.

There are five major stages of grief: denial, depression, bargaining, anger, and acceptance. Finn's been swaying between denial, depression, and bargaining lately, and he recognizes this. Now, though, resentment and anger are bubbling up, frustration boiling into an aggressive urge to lash out.

Finn is not an aggressive person. Sometimes, he gets frustrated at how not angry he gets, how easily he either slides into depression or just forgives whoever has wronged him. He has a tendency to spiral inward into self destruction rather than outward into aggression towards others. Where others fight, he folds. Most of the time, he prefers his method of dealing with things. Now, though... he's frustrated.

He knows that anger can be cathartic, beneficial in small doses. And right now...well, right now, he has to let it out.

"I dreamed of you, last night," Finn tells Poe's grave that afternoon. "I held you in my arms and kissed your g-ddamn face. I can't remember how you felt, or what you smelled like, or even the exact color of your eyes. Even an eidetic memory can't hold onto feelings, especially ones that I haven't been able to feel in years. You are slowly escaping my memory, and I can’t hold on.”

His anger, so hard to provoke, is snowballing into a hellstorm of fury aimed at one target: a defenseless ghost. "Why the fuck were you the one who was taken?" Finn spits. "It should have been me. It's always me. I'm used to it. I’m _okay_ with it. I told you that, Poe, years and years ago. Four and a half years ago. Remember that? Nearly five fucking years ago, just a year after we got married. And speaking of which, it's been three and a half years, Poe. Three and a half years since you disappeared. They all think you're dead, you know. The team, your family, even Jess. Your sisters haven't called me in a year. Your Momma couldn't bear to look at me the last time I saw her."

There are angry tears pouring down Finn's cheeks now, but he makes no movement to wipe them away. "And you know what, Poe? I know exactly how they feel. You know how they say "in order to love someone, you have to love yourself first?" I call bullshit. I have never loved myself. For thirty eight years, I've believed myself to be unworthy of love, a freak, something wrong. But you, Poe- you made me forget what hating myself felt like. With you, I felt like a human again. Not perfect, not complete, just...normal. And that was wonderful. But now..." His voice trails off a bit as he swallows and tries to regain his words. "Now, you're gone and I can't remember what that oblivion felt like."

His strength of will is nearly gone when he whispers the last words: "Please come back, Poe. I want watching _Clue_ , late night kisses, and you teasing me over my addiction to magyk flick books. I want running cases with you, burned dinners, and listening to Mary J Blige in the car. I want to forget again. I want oblivion."

"I want _you_."

-

Finn enters the office, a smile on his lips as he greets his teammates as if he hadn't almost left them.

(No one ever realizes how close he'd come to breaking.)

-

(For the first time in years, Finn starts to seriously, desperately, crave pixie dust again.)

(And does he really have a reason not to cave in?)


	6. this is the way you left me (no happy ending)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Title is from "Happy Ending" by MIKA.

Snap Jameson leaves due to his daughter's pregnancy (another one, so soon after Em's, which leads Finn to ponder his asexuality again. What would it be like, if he and Poe had been able to have sex, if they had had more of a physical connection? Would the grief be worse? Would it be better?) and Dr. Rose Tran, siren, steps seamlessly into his spot.

(A death, a birth. There's some kind of symbolic meaning in that, Finn knows.)

-

Ben Poe Laurent is born a healthy seven pounds, four ounces, with both parents in the hospital room and his g-dparents- Finn Skywalker and Jessika Pava- in the waiting room outside. Within an hour, the g-dparents have joined the parents in the hospital room.

"Here," Will says, and holds the bundle that is Ben out to Finn. "You should hold him next."

Finn carefully takes the delicate bundle of baby from Will and rocks it, staring down at the half-green-scaled baby that now bares his husband's name.

"You okay, Finn?" Rey asks, voice a bit hoarse from screaming. "You're crying."

"Just happy, Rey," Finn reassures her.

( _ I just wish Poe was here to see this.) _

-

His pixie dust cravings return with a gut wrenching roar, tearing away at his insides.

 

_ ("It's not that bad." _

_ "Trust me- we have awhile before the effects really start to set in.") _

 

It feels like a black hole is sucking its way through his insides. His cravings haven’t been this bad in years, since before the detox. 

_ Does he really have reason not to try pixie dust again? _

He heads out to a bar, seeking pixie dust or some other similar drug. He needs it  _ now _ . Poe’s gone, he doesn’t really have any family to stay clean for.

He hasn't been in nearly four years. He and Poe used to go with the team, used to dance. Years and years ago, when they had first started dating, Finn hadn't been the most comfortable with his body. (He still isn't, fourteen years later.) Poe had spent the first few club visits alternating sitting at a table with Finn, drinking and laughing, and dancing with Jess and Em. Then, in later visits, Finn had gotten more and more comfortable in their relationship and himself. He’d graduated from sitting at the counter to sometimes joining Poe dancing to spending much of the night on the dance floor.

 

_ (Finn's grip on Poe’s arms is tight enough to leave bruises, but he won't make Finn let go. He won't even ask. He just holds Finn close, arms encircling Finn's torso as he shudders, sweat soaking the pajamas he's wearing. _

_ "Poe," Finn grits out, "I can't do this." _

_ "Yes, you can," Poe says, trying to keep his voice strong even though his heart is breaking. “I promise you, pretty boy, you can do this.”) _

  
  
  


Finn sits at the counter, slowly sipping a beer he hasn't tasted in ages. He doesn't plan on finishing it, not even close- he has to drive home- but the tiniest of a buzz is taking the edge off of his nerves.

A man sits down at the counter next to Finn. He is rather different from Poe, with wavy red hair and a clean-shaven face. His irises are red- a vampire, then.

“Come ‘ere often?” the man asks, and his Southern accent is thick. Not surprising, considering they live in Richmond, Virginia, but still a little jarring.

“Not really,” Finn answers, completely honest.

Red-Haired Guy grins. “That's a pity- you're quite the looker.” He offers out a hand. “Name’s Brendol Hux.”

“Dr. Finn Skywalker,” Finn says, shaking the man's hand.

“Ooh, a doctor?” Hux asks, raising an eyebrow as he takes a sip of his beer. “Impressive.”

Finn's heart stops.

 

_ ("I need it," Finn shouts, hands curled into fists against Poe's chest, but Poe won't let go. He can't let go. If he lets go, Finn will fall back. "Let me go, Poe!" _

_ "I'm sorry," he says, "But I won't let you. You told me not to let you have any drugs, and I won't let you get them. I care about you too much.” _

_ "Well, I'm telling you now to listen to me and give me the drugs, Poe," Finn growls. _

_ "I care about you too much to let you do this to yourself," Poe says, and tunes out Finn's muttered protests. Instead he focuses on Finn's fists shaking against Poe's chest, the way that Finn is falling apart under the pixie dust that was forced onto him in Georgia. _

_ He's heard horror stories about detoxes, about addicts who beat up the people who tried to help them through withdrawal. He and Finn looked up the stories last night as they tried to prepare for this, but Google can’t properly prepare you for anything.) _

 

This isn't cheating, exactly, as all Finn’s been aiming for is pixie dust, but there is something about this that makes him taste sour. 

He practically stumbled into his relationship with Poe, with a misunderstood compliment, a coming out, and an awkward kiss. After that everything had flowed so naturally, with Poe and Finn transferring from best friends to boyfriends to fiances and eventually husbands so easily. There had been no flirting to lead into it, no “wooing” period- just that airplane kiss.

This interaction, though unfamiliar, feels like flirting. Going into this, Finn had felt like he would be willing to do anything to get pixie dust. Now, it feels like a bucket of ice water has been dumped on his head. Flirting? Cheating on his husband? What the  _ fuck  _ has he been thinking?

“I-I have to go,” He stutters, "I’m sorry.” He drops a few bills on the counter before grabbing his blazer off of the back of his chair, turning, and bolting out of the club. He feels sorry for Hux, but not enough to stay.

He races out to his car, feeling almost like he's stumbling over his feet.

 

_ ("Just hold on and eat something." _

_ "Please, Finn." _

_ "For me." _

(For you, Poe- I’ll do anything.))

 

Once he's seated in the driver's seat, buckled in, his hands rise to the steering wheel. He grips the wheel with both hands, knuckles turning white with the force of his grasp. He drops his head to the wheel, trying to measure his breathing.

_ Not a panic attack,  _ Finn thinks,  _ I've been good for so long- _

It doesn't work.

 

_ (The detox is finally over, but the horror isn’t. _

_ "Oh g-d," Finn whispers, staring at the bruises blooming on Poe's arms. "Did I do that to you?" He runs his fingers over the bruises, just grazing Poe's skin. There are tears in Finn's eyes as his fingers tremble against Poe's skin. _

_ "It was the withdrawal," Poe starts to say, but Finn jerks back from Poe. His hands slip away as he wraps his arms tightly around his torso, his gaze falling away from Poe's to stare at the ground. _

_ "Those are the excuses an abuser gives," he says quietly. "'I was under the influence, I couldn't control myself-'" _

_ "Finn?" Poe says, horrified, as he steps towards Finn. _

_ Finn shakes his head violently as he steps back and away from Poe. The back of his legs bump into the sofa and he stops. "No!" he cuts Poe off. "I can't believe that I- I promised- oh g-d, how could I have done that to you? We've profiled so many abusers over the years, I just can't believe that I didn't realize the signs in myself. Poe, you have to stay away from me, because-" _

_ "It wasn't out of anger," Poe says, and Finn's words shudder to a stop. "That's why it wasn't abuse, or anything close, Finn. You were holding on like a vampire sucking blood- it was a reflex you couldn't control. You squeezed because you were in pain and I let you hold onto me because I wanted to be there for you." Finn stares at him, expression raw and open, but he's not shouting in panic so Poe's heart starts to calm down. "Finn, you didn't see the signs because there  _ were no signs _. There isn't one malicious bone in your body." He steps forward and places a hand on Finn's clammy cheek. "The drug's nearly completely out of your system by now, and once it's completely filtered out you'll be able to see things more clearly." Finn's stopped crying by now, the only sign of his breakdown the last remaining trembles wracking his body.  "Finn," Poe says softly, moving his hand up to run his fingers through Finn's sweat-soaked hair, "This isn't your fault. It's the man who forced the drugs on you. These bruises on my arms are the fault of a serial killer, not you. Never you." _

_ "Poe," Finn says, voice choked as he reaches out a shaking hand to Poe's cheek. "I don't deserve you." _

_ "You do, Finn," Poe says, "You deserve everything." _

_ Finn blinks back tears before stepping forward and taking Poe's hand in his. Then he pulls Poe gently back onto the sofa, where they collapse in a heap. _

_ They’re bone-tired.) _

  
  


Finn ends up curled up in bed that night, shaking from the effort it takes to fight off his cravings. His body wants the drug  _ so badly _ . He has a blinding headache that Tylenol isn’t helping with.

He  _ cannot  _ let the pixie dust overrule his life. Yeah, his family isn’t here, but he has to think about them as if they are. Poe is out there somewhere. Finn hasn’t seen him in so long, but he’s  _ still alive. _

Finn can’t relapse.

He just can’t.


	7. big (boy)s cry when their heart is breaking

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Title is from "Big Girls Cry" by Sia.

Finn stops checking up on every lead, stops spending every moment on the case. He spends his free time reading or spending time with his friends. He dotes on his g-dsons and has dinner with Rey and Jess on a regular basis.

It's been four years since Poe's disappearance. His obsession with the case, understandable for the first couple of years after Poe's disappearance, is starting to become an impediment to interacting with the only family he has left behind- the team and their families. He realizes that, whether Poe is dead or not, he can't keep spending every moment on figuring out what happened.

(He tries not to feel guilty over the shred of relief he feels as the constant stress abates a bit.)

-

It’s supposed to be a routine case, but Finn ends up shot in the side by the end of it. He doesn't remember much after it, mostly flashes of light, the screams of bullets, and shouts, but when he gets out of surgery he's greeted by the tear-streaked faces of Rey, Jess, and Obi-Wan. Leia can't cry, as a vampire’s tear ducts don't function, but she sits at a seat near the foot of his bed, hands white-knuckled against his sheets.

Dr. Rose Tran stands by the door, the newcomer to this strange little family.

Finn grimaces in an attempt to smile. “You guys’re all looking at me like I'm a ghost.”

Jess swallows. “You nearly became one. Boy Wonder, it hasn't been too long since Poe, and you know…” She swallows again, seemingly unable to go on, and Finn blinks.

The harsh hospital fluorescents above them seem far worse than when Finn first opened his eyes a few minutes ago. He closes his eyes and breathes deep.

He wants Poe here, after yet another too-close-to-call. He wants his husband sitting at his bedside, holding his hand, that stupid cup of mac and cheese surgically attached to his other hand and a car magazine spread on the comforter near Finn's side. He desperately wants Poe's hand in his, his reassuring smile, his amber-flecked eyes.

(He loves his family at the Agency, but it just isn't the same. He knows it’s selfish, but he can’t bring himself to care.)

Tears prick the edges of his eyes, even though they're closed. He wants Poe  _ back _ , damn all the g-ds. He wants his husband, his best friend, the one person he always thought would be constant- the one person who he could always rely upon.

“You okay, Finnegan?” Rey asks.

Finn swallows, remembering the way Poe used to say that nickname. The way he said ‘Finnegan’ like a loving caress, used to change Finn’s name into something special. Em’s his best friend, but it isn’t the same.

“Yeah,” he says, “Just a bit of pain. My side.”

There's a bullet hole in Finn's side, just like the hole in his heart.

-

_ (Finn’s propped up against the bed pillows,  _ Don Quixote _ in his lap, when Poe comes in, gun holstered and ready for work. His face betrays his nervousness and unease with the idea of leaving Finn behind. _

_ “I’m sorry,” he says, “But I can’t stay while you’re on bedrest.” _

_ “I know,” Finn says easily, “And I’m fine with it.” He raises an eyebrow, sweeping his gaze over Poe. “But you’re not.” _

_ Poe’s brow furrows. “What do you mean?” _

_ “You haven’t once looked away from me, except to go to the restroom. Every chance you have you’re touching me- graze of the shoulders, kiss on the cheek, touch of the elbow-” Poe winces and Finn’s quick to qualify: “-Not that I have any problem with that, but I’m just pointing it out. You’re obviously concerned, Poe, and I’ll be fine. You just need to stop worrying about me.” _

_ “I can’t, Finnegan!” Poe bursts out, and Finn’s a bit surprised by the force of his reaction. “Every time I leave you something seems to happen- vampires, Georgia, you getting shot. I know it’s irrational, but it almost feels like if I don’t leave then you’ll be safe, somehow.” _

_ “I understand the feeling,” Finn says, “And I’m feeling anxious sending you out when I have to stay home, knowing that you’ll be so vulnerable, but you know that I’m in our apartment, and every other time I’ve gotten hurt it’s been on a case. I can’t guarantee that either of us will be safe, but I trust that you’ll be okay. Can you do the same for me?” _

_ Poe sinks onto the edge of the bed next to Finn. “You’re right, pretty boy,” he says, taking one of Finn’s hands in his. “I just can’t stop worrying.” _

_ “Hazard of the job,” Finn says with a teasing smile. _

_ “More like hazard of a relationship,” Poe says, and Finn rubs his thumb along Poe’s knuckles. _

_ “Is every relationship like this?” Finn asks, voice mostly curious but with the slightest undertone of uncertainty. _

_ “This is definitely the longest, most emotionally intense relationship I’ve ever been in,” Poe admits. “And I’ve worried about people before, but never half as strongly or half as frequently as I do about you.” He grins. “Maybe it’s just your invisible criminal-attracting forefield or something.” _

_ “I do not,” Finn protests, “It’s not scientifically possible for a Normie project an aura to attract people of a certain disposition-” He catches sight of Poe’s teasing smile. “You idiot,” he says fondly. “I love you, you moron,” he says, reaching out a hand to caress Poe’s cheek. _

_ “Well, this moron’s about to go to work in his elite SCD, so…” Poe trails off pointedly, and Finn rolls his eyes. He leans forward, though, and gives Poe a kiss. _

_ “Go off and be a hero, Poe,” Finn says, “I know you want to.” _

_ “I just want to be your hero, pretty boy, but I guess I can go save the rest of the world today instead.” _

_ “Sounds good to me.” He waves his hand dismissively at Poe, gesturing him out the door. “Now get to work or you’ll be late, Mr. Big Hotshot.” _

_ Poe grins. “I like that pet name.” _

_ “It wasn’t a pet name,” Finn says, “Because the ‘Big’ was short for ‘Big-Headed.’” _

_ “That's just your way of showing your affection,” Poe teases. _

_ “You keep telling yourself that, Poe,” Finn says. _

-

Finn spends his thirty ninth birthday alone, a bottle of wine, an ache in his side, and old memories his only company.

He remembers a conversation he had with Poe in the bedroom of a bullied teenager.

_ When it comes to this job _ , he remembers Poe asking,  _ is an eidetic memory a blessing or a curse? _

(It's both.)

-

One time, Obi-Wan is busy on a book signing in Oregon when his second wife calls and asks if he can babysit their grandson last minute. Obi-Wan frantically calls the team to ask and see if any of them have some free time.

Finn volunteers. "It's the weekend, Obi-Wan- I've got nothing to do."

"Oh, thank dios," Obi-Wan says, breathing a sigh of relief. "I'll give you her number.”

-

When Obi-Wan's ex-wife Padme opens the door, Finn instantly identifies her as a siren. She has the telltale silver ring around her pupils, an easy smile, and despite the fact that she can't be a day under sixty she has the body models would kill for.

"Nice to meet you, Mrs. Hill," Finn says, offering a hand for her to shake.

"Nice to meet you and thank you for offering to take care of Luke on such short notice, Dr. Dameron," Padme says, reaching out and shaking his hand.

"No problem," Finn says, "I love to watch kids. My second g-dson was just born a few months ago and he's been absolutely wonderful. I've been babysitting for his older brother for years." (Years, nearly half of which Poe's been gone.)

She smiles. "Well, thank you, Dr. Dameron. I'll be back in three hours." She bends down to look her grandson in the eyes. "Behave for Dr. Dameron, won't you?"

The little boy nods. "Yes, Gramma."

She ruffles his hair, the charmed rings on her hand glinting against his dark hair, and stands up. "Have a good day," she says, "Sorry I can't stay for long. Surprise work meeting and all."

Then she leaves, running out to her car.

Finn bends down next to Luke and smiles. "Why don't I show you some magyk tricks?"

The boy grins. "Are you a witch?"

"Not quite, I'm afraid, though one of my friends is. I was thinking more..." and Finn leans forward and pulls a quarter out from behind the boy's ear. Luke squeals in excitement and grabs the coin. Finn smiles. Simple sleight of hand can work wonders.

"Let’s go inside, then,” Finn says. “Sound good to you, bud?”

Luke nods, head bobbing like a witch in water.

-

This becomes a regular thing.

-

One day, Padme catches sight of his handfasting bracelet. "Your wife doesn't mind us taking up so much of your time, does she?" She asks, voice concerned. Finn's realized over the time he's been babysitting for Padme that one of the main reasons that Obi-Wan and his wife divorced was not spending enough time together because of Obi-Wan's job.

"My husband," Finn corrects politely, "And he's gone, so I don't think he'd mind."

(The voice in the back of Finn's head that usually protests the statement is so quiet as to be inaudible.)

Her expression softens. "I'm sorry about your loss."

The words don't sting as much as they used to. "Thank you," Finn says. "It's been over four years. It's not as bad as it once was."

Padme gives him a sympathetic smile. "It's been seven years since Luke's father died and it still hurts. Not as much, sure, but still. Learning to live with the pain helped a lot, and taking care of Luke made both of us feel a lot better.”

Yet another time that someone took death and molded it into joy. Seems like the universe has something it’s trying to tell Finn.

(He really doesn’t want to listen, but he’s starting to feel like he has to.)

-

Finn still wears his handfasting bracelet, four and a half years after Poe's disappearance.

It's charmed in the shape of a mobilus strip. Eternally returning back to one another, no matter what happens.

How far does a promise reach? Do marriage vows continue after death?


	8. redeem this empty life (no need to endure anymore) time dies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Title is from "One Song Glory" from RENT.

Finn's personal cell phone rings, and he picks it up to find, to his surprise, Femi's name on the phone screen. His former sister-in-law, who he hasn't heard from in over two years, is calling him. He swipes ACCEPT and raises the phone to his ear.

"Hey, Finn," Femi says.

"Hello, Femi," Finn says. "May I ask why you're calling?"

There's a pregnant pause, but then Femi answers, "It's been nearly four years since we buried Poe."

Finn's grip on his phone tightens slightly. "Three years, eleven months, six days, and four hours."

"Yeah," she says. "It's Easter tomorrow and I've been missing him lately. I never thought my younger brother would be the first of us to go, especially even before Momma."

Finn swallows. "I didn't think that he'd go before me."

Confusion: "But you're so much younger than he was.”

"Not for long," Finn says, and he realizes that he's almost halfway through the age difference between him and his late husband.

There's a sharp intake of breath on the other end. "G-ds, you just turned thirty nine a couple of months ago, didn't you?"

"Yeah," Finn says. "Back when we got married, this wasn't exactly how I pictured these years going."

_ (Poe holds Finn's hands to his chest. "From the moment on the jet when you came out to me, I have never expected or wanted sex. I just…” He pauses, smiles. “Wanted you, in whatever capacity I could have you.” He settles Finn's hands in his lap before letting go, reaching up, and placing a hand on Finn's cheek. “I love you, Finn Skywalker-Dameron, and all I want is for you to be happy.") _

Happy- can Finn be happy with his husband gone? Can he move on, as he thinks Poe would want him to, and have a "happily-ever-after," as Jess called it so long ago, without Poe? That bliss that Finn felt the night of their handfasting ceremony- can he ever experience that again?

(Can he accept that Poe is truly gone?)

"Yeah," Femi says, voice hushed, "I don't think anyone there that day imagined anything like this would happen."

There's a pause in which neither of them speak. Then Femi clears her throat, probably aiming to make the lump in her throat disappear just as Finn wants to do to the lump in his, and says, "I'm sorry, Finn. I didn't mean to bring back all this grief. Poe's been gone for four years- I shouldn't still be disturbing people like this. Especially you, bud- you probably miss him more than any of us."

"I wouldn't presume to believe that," Finn says, returning the phone back to his ear. "You're his sister. Surely you'd miss him as much as I do."

"Bullshit," Femi says, laughing a bit wetly. "You looked at him like the sun rose and sat at his word. You, Finn Skywalker, were the person who loved him most in the world. Same goes for him, when it came to you. You’ve been the person who loves him most for a long time.”

Even Femi, Finn's own sister-in-law, refers to him as Finn Skywalker, not Finn Skywalker-Dameron. That's a sign of sorts, right?

“Okay,” Finn says. Then, feeling the want for silence, for alone time: “Well, goodbye.” He wants to go cry on his own, to grieve. He needs to figure things out. He doesn’t know how to feel.

"Wait, Finn," Femi says, and he stops himself from hanging up.

"Yes?" He asks, kind of just wanting to get this over with already.

"He'd want you to be happy. You know that, right?"

The words nearly stick in Finn's mouth. "Of course."

"He'd be okay if you moved on. Don't get hung up on him forever, okay? He was my brother and I don't want you to forget him, but you were my brother too, and I don't want you to be miserable for the rest of your life. So, just...be happy, okay?” 

Finn can barely get a, "Thanks," out past the lump in his throat.

"No problem, Finn," Femi says. A semi-awkward pause, and then: "Have a good Easter."

"You too, Femi." He swallows, and then: "Love you." It feels strange, after years without contact, to say this to Femi, but he still means it. Femi was there at his handfasting ceremony, where the two of them danced a laughter-filled dance to  _ He Likes Boys. _ The two of them spent Christmas together for four years (Poe and he had had a tradition of spending Thanksgiving with Finn's mom, Christmas with the Skywalkeres, and Easter with Jess and Em) actually allying with her against Poe and their Momma in an annual prank war. Finn remembers bright holidays and a particularly joyous family vacation to Chicago in July of 2014, and sincerely means it when he says  _ I love you. _

There's a pause as Femi probably processes the same thing. "Love you too. Goodbye, Finn."

"Goodbye, Femi."

There's a quiet beep as Femi hangs up. The screen feels hot and wet against Finn's cheek, and as he peels his cell away from his face he realizes he's been crying.

-

Grief is a strange monster, with fangs not unlike Leia's. It hooks its teeth into Finn's heart, buries its claws into his mind. Finn can't escape the crush of his sorrow. 

Every drop of happiness feels dragged out of him as he lugs himself to the living room sofa. He feels hollow, empty, mouth dry. His mouth feels sewn shut, like a Harpocratean curse has been placed upon his lips.

The edge of a panic attack rises and then falls as Finn stares at the fire sylphs dancing in the fireplace. He clutches onto the pillow next to him, fingers clenching in the rough fabric.

(Poe and he bought these pillows two years after moving in, after Obi-Wan and Rey had complained about the fact that their pillows were, to put it politely, a bit worn. These pillows have been through a number of making out sessions, picnic dinners, and even the Detox.)

“I love you, Poe, but you're gone.”

-

The first time they'd kissed, Finn had just come out to Poe as asexual. Poe had been the first person (other than his mother) that he'd come out to, and the relief he'd felt in that moment had been indescribable.

_ (“What exactly does that mean, then?” Poe asks, and the teasing in his voice is gone. Instead there just remains genuine curiosity. “I mean, to want romance without a sexual component.” _

_ “It means I want to kiss you,” Finn says, and leans the slightest bit forward at the suggestion. Poe's eyes drop to his lips and Finn can’t help but feel a rush of anticipation. “I want to feel your lips against mine, want to-” _

_ Poe leans forward and closes the distance. It’s a surprisingly chaste kiss (at least by the standards Finn has witnessed Poe establish with various partners in the past), but every one of Finn's nerve endings stands on end. He suddenly knows why people are always kissing their partners, why everyone rhapsodizes about their first kiss like it’s some kind of magyk. He suddenly realizes why curses can be broken with one’s first kiss. _

_ Then Poe separates, leaning back, and Finn thinks:  _ G-ds, I hope I wasn’t tragic at this.

_ Poe grins. “Quite nice, pretty boy,” He says, “But I think we could do even better if we tried again.” _

_ Finn blushes, but he leans across the table again.) _

It had been that moment when Finn had finally, for the first time in his life, felt truly comfortable with himself. There was no pain, no tears, just him and Poe and the table between them.

(G-ds, does Finn miss that feeling.)

-

Eleven years knowing each other- three as friends, five as boyfriends, one engaged, two married. That has to be enough, right?

That  _ will _ be enough, because that's all Finn will ever get.


	9. you're the one that i love (and i'm saying goodbye)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Title is from "Say Something" by A Great Big World.
> 
> Flashback actually has an additional song for the soundtrack, which is "Bare" from Bare: a pop opera.

_I_ n the early hours of Easter Sunday, four and a half years after his husband disappeared, Finn accepts the probability that the man he loves is dead. He faces their bookshelf- _his_ bookshelf, now- and does not cry as he runs fingers over the well-loved spines of some of Poe's favorite books. He has wept enough over the past few years- tears do not come.

"I love you, Poe Jacobo Skywalker-Dameron, but you're gone."

“I love you...and I've lost you.”

(Humans do not rise from the dead. We do not live in some creationist fairytale- we live in cold, hard reality.)

-

( _ The first case Finn works with Poe is a murder. Finn arrives at HQ in a button-down, blazer, and tie, his satchel clutched tightly to his side. It’s to be his first day, and at twenty-one-years-old he’s one of the youngest, if not the youngest, agent the Agency has ever hired. _

_ (But no pressure, right?) _

_ He enters the room labeled ‘Briefing Room,’ thinking it’s a good enough place to start. There’s only one person in the room- a Latino man, with a head of wavy dark brown hair. If Finn had to guess, he’d put him at about thirty years old. _

_ “And you are…?” The man asks, raising an eyebrow. _

_ “Dr. Finn Skywalker,” Finn says. _

_ The man smirks. “Not bad. You couldn't be a day over twenty one.” _

_ Finn nods. “I have an IQ of 186 and hold two PhDs and two Bachelor's degrees. One could say that I’m pretty smart.” _

_ “Well, then, welcome to the team, Dr. Dameron,” the man says with a smile, offering a hand to shake. “I'm Special Agent Poe Dameron, blessed of Thoth.” _

_ “The Egyptian g-d of writing, magyk, wisdom, and the moon. Also the g-d of equilibrium and balance, as his consort is the g-ddess Ma’at, who represents Order itself.” The information comes out in a rush, and Finn's fingers clench around the strap of his satchel as he realizes what he's done. Rambled, babbled, whatever label one wants to attach to it, and it's horribly unprofessional but- _

_ “Damn, pretty boy,” Poe says, and Finn's fingers loosen in shock. “That's impressive.” _

_ Finn swallows, not looking the man in the eye as he wills the blush in his cheeks to go down.  “Thanks.” _

_ A moment’s pause, in which Finn manages to regret everything he’s ever done in his life, and then: “So, you?” _

_ “Me, what?” _

_ “Your species, boy wonder.” _

_ Finn laughs awkwardly as the other agents enter the room. He spots a woman with her hair in strange side buns, a short, latina woman in glasses, a brunette woman with eyes a suspiciously electric shade of green, and a middle-aged man of Mediterranean descent. The first woman has red irises and, despite the casual white leather jacket and jeans that she’s wearing, he’d have to peg her as leader due to both her posture and the way that Poe’s gaze immediately goes to her as soon as she enters the room. _

_ “I'm just a normal human, unfortunately,” Finn says. “Maybe a bit of Muse in the bloodline, but too far back to mean anything. Greek demig-ds work differently than Egyptian- Egyptian demig-ds carry power through continuous prayer and ritual throughout the generations, leading to the g-ds bestowing continuous blessings upon certain bloodlines, while Greek demig-ds’ powers last only a generation, given by actual genetic intermingling with the immortal beings known as the Olympians.” _

_ “It's true,” Poe says to the other agents as Finn curses, once again, his habit of rambling. Not a good first impression  _ at all.

_ “Unit Chief Leia Organa,” the leather jacket-wearing woman says, offering out a hand to shake. He smiles feebly as he takes her hand. Looks like he got that one right. “Vampire, Age Class 4.” Finn swallows- that means she’s over two hundred years old. _

_ “Special Agent Obi-Wan Kenobi,” The older Greek man introduces himself. Ah, Greek. “Normie, just like you. No Muse blood, though I  _ do  _ have that Greek connection.” He winks. _

_ “Special Agent Reyla Laurent,” the brunette woman says with a smile, “Part Dragon.” _

_ “Green eyes,” Finn says, and she nods.  _

_ “Everyone just calls me Rey,” she says. _

_ “Will do,” Finn says. _

_ The latina woman- who is wearing the brightest pink leather jacket Finn's ever seen, black glasses, a red dress, and insane black leather wedges- goes last. “And I am the team's tech analyst, Jess Pava,” she says with a smile, outstretching a hand decorated with bright pink and yellow nail polish for him to shake. “And by ‘tech analyst,’ I mean hacker.” _

_ Poe chuckles. “Our Girl’s got a point.” _

__ _ “I think I’m going to like working with you,” Finn says. _

_ Poe grins. “And I'm going to be looking forward to working with you, Dr. Finn Skywalker.”) _

-

Finn does not visit Poe's grave three weeks later, on their anniversary. He does not lay down flowers, does not recite his prayer of blessing.

(Instead, he goes to his knees by his bed and recites an  _ El Maleh Rachamim _ \- the prayer for the dead.)

Finn does not go searching for any more clues as to Poe's whereabouts. The file folder goes into Finn's desk where it doesn't get pulled out again. Tips, the few and far between, go unanswered. Finn's heart aches, but it's like the phantom pain described by amputees- a reminder of something he will never get back. However, in time, Finn knows he will be able to deal with this new, sharp grief, just like he dealt with Leia's 'death,' and his mother's institutionalization, and Poe first disappearing.

He remembers Leia's words from a conversation long ago. He will heal. He will let go.

(He  _ will _ be okay.)

-

Poe Jacobo Skywalker-Dameron is officially dead.

(Finn Skywalker-Dameron’s eyes are finally dry.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I know this seems like the end of the line but we still have six months until the five year promise in the summary. There's a phone call along the way that might provide a bit of a twist. So all of you still reading...hold tight. It isn't the end just yet.


	10. hold onto me (i'm a little unsteady)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Title is from "Unsteady" by X Ambassadors.

#  **SIX MONTHS LATER**

The case is a mundane one. A spate of murders in Kansas City, four black men found shot in the heart with a pentagram carved into their left foot and a set of bitemarks along the right. A bit of an interesting signature, pointing to the history of the satanic panic in the city in the 80s as well as a werewolf culprit, but nothing too bizarre.

Rose and Obi-Wan are out in the field, having driven straight to the witnesses and families from the airport. Rey and Finn are in the command center, reviewing the geographical profile and files. Leia is organizing the intake of calls from potential witnesses and Jess is back at HQ in Richmond.

A detective knocks on the door. Detective Rosa, Finn identifies her voice. She found the third victim.

"There's a phone call for a Dr. Finn Skywalker-Dameron," she says, and Finn's brow furrows. He hasn't heard that name said aloud in nearly two years.

"Just give it to Agent Laurent or Organa, if you don't mind," he says, not looking away from the board. He's close to figuring a pattern, and if he just-

"It's not a witness to the crime," she says, voice sounding as confused as he is when he turns to face her. She holds a cordless phone in hand. "The man sounded a bit confused when he called, but he kept asking for Dr. Skywalker-Dameron. Said he needed you, Agent."

"Did he give a name?" Rey asks.

(Finn prepares himself for all manner of caller. A stalker, the murderer, a rogue witness. He's dealt with them all before and he knows the protocol. There's no way this caller will phase him-)

Detective Rosa nods. "Name of Poe, he said."

Finn has to grab onto the chair in front of him as the strength goes from his legs. The entire world tilts, dimming briefly before brightening again. Rey reaches out and places a hand on Finn's shoulder, and he couldn't be more grateful when she asks, voice trembling: "Are you sure that's his name?" The detective nods. "Did he give a last name?"

"Strange thing- he said he wasn't sure what it was. Then repeated that he needed Dr. Finn Skywalker-Dameron. Said something about a...mobile? Mobella strip? Not sure exactly what he meant by that."

Finn's hand shakes, almost as it did in his barely remembered addict days, as he holds out a hand in offerance. Detective Rosa sets the phone down in his palm and he raises it to his ear.

"Hello?" He whispers, not daring to hope.

"Dr. Finn Skywalker-Dameron?" asks a fragile, distantly remembered voice, and everything shatters.

"Poe?" He gasps, cognitive dissonance starting to overwhelm him because  _ Poe is dead, I buried him, I spent five hellish years grieving him- _

"Yes?" Poe answers, but his voice is quiet and nervous. Finn can't summon words to speak to the ghost of his husband, and apparently that makes Poe anxious enough to speak again. "I'm sorry," Poe says, "if I'm interrupting or something, 'specially since I don't know who you are, but all I know is that I need your help. I just left Mistress and I don't know when she'll get back. Please, sir, you've got to help."

Whatever's happening with Poe, amnesia's got to be part of it. Poe obviously doesn't remember who Finn is, and his tone is off- not like a husband or even a boyfriend speaking, but like a lost soul, a wraith, a victim of trauma.

"Okay," Finn says, and scrambles to grab paper and something to write with. Rey shakes out of her own stupor to help him, handing over a pen. "Can you tell me where you are?"

"I'm at a restaurant," Poe says, and there's a pause where Finn doesn't breathe until Poe returns, a bit uncertain as he says, "Botticelli's on Farber Street, the waitress says."

Finn swallows back his response to the mention of their favorite restaurant (even if Poe's forgotten things, it seems like semantic memory is still intact), instead writing it down. Rey instantly whips out her phone to Google the location. While she does so, Finn asks: "And how did you get there?" Clinical, neutral in tone.

"I walked down from the farm."

"The farm?"

"Mistress' farm. Grew the  _ Dryadalis Pulvis. _ "

( _ The pixie dust plant _ , Finn’s frozen mind manages to translate.)

"Mistress?" Finn has never had a harder time keeping calm than he does now, with anger and despair and five years worth of grief imploding in his chest. Yet somehow (g-d only knows how), his tone stays level. "Who is this Mistress?"

"Mistress is..." The words stumble out of Poe's mouth, landing with an awkward plop. "She is..."

"Got it," Rey hisses, shoving the screen of her phone across the table. There's a look of desperate hope on her face, one that Finn's sure is reflected in his own.

"Okay. Poe, it's okay. You can tell me about mistress later." There's a breathy sound, almost like a sigh of relief, on the other end of the line. "I'm going to call a teammate of mine- a friend- to come pick you up. Sound good?"

"Yes, sir," Poe responds immediately, and the speed of the affirmation is a bit worrying. Finn prays to G-d that Poe's not transferring whatever feelings he had towards this 'Mistress' to Finn.

"Goodbye,” Finn says. “I’ll see you soon, okay?”

Once again: “Yes, sir.”

"Poe,” Finn says quietly, “You don’t need to call me sir.”

“Yes, s… Okay.”

“Good. Um, goodbye?”

“Goodbye.”

There’s a  _ click  _ and Finn pulls his phone away from his ear. He sees that Poe has hung up. Thank the g-ds he did because Finn doesn’t know if he would have been able to summon the strength to do so.

He glances at Rey for just a moment before calling Obi-Wan. "Please don't say anything until I'm done talking to Obi-Wan," he says to her. "I think I might break if you do." She nods, though it clearly pains her to do so, and he gives her some sort of attempt at a smile. "Thanks."

Then he calls Obi-Wan. "Hey, kid," Obi-Wan says, "What do you have for us on the profile?"

Finn takes a deep breath. "Obi-Wan," he says, "Poe's alive."

And the world screeches back into motion.  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who read this story- hope the emotional rollercoaster was just as insane for you as for me!


End file.
